This year has been a crazy year filled not only with fun, joy and laughter but also pain, crazy unbearable aches and a lot of hardwork. The beginning of 2014 started like the previous years, celebrating at marcus' house, drinking, watching horror(?)(was there horror movie or not? I can't rmb) then it was still quite a bit of slacking around, wasting time on idk what. A few months of aimlessly roaming around and then BOOM prelim1, HAHA my results used to be so absurb I dont even know what to say. I rmb failing all my subjs except for my languages. LOL so pathetic. (I'm glad I'm improved from that though :)) Then there's the first boyfriend. As much as I wish to call him a piece of shyt I have to admit that I used to be really fond of him. HAH joke on me but mehhh. I guess I just regret practically every choice I make. LOL. I rmb at the beginning of the year there were many of this relationship kinda problems. It's as though everyone has their own friendship/relationship/whatsoever not problems.Then there was the concert that all 4 of us spent months preparing for. Oh lord. I miss performing:( Sighpie that was our last official performance. And then there's world cup. OHHHHH I miss those days too. So much fun watching my fav teams playing. There's this thing about sports that makes adrenaline run through my entire body. Whoohoo (thinking about it makes me feel happy) And after worldcup season, I can't rmb doing anything special. I think ever since then I was a walking zoombie, just studying everyday, mug and yeah nothing but study. I rmb going back to sch on saturdays to do my tys and for extra lessons and what not. I rmb having all the night study sessions, all the study dates, going out just to study. It was a disgusting period of time... I dont know how I even survived it. OHHH there was also mid-autumn festivallll. Thanks to beryl and friends, I wasnt alone on mid autumn:))) afterwards I guess it was just another empty period of time filled with studying before O's and before we know it, O's is over alr and then all the fun starts rushing in.
Because lately I have just been engaged in quite a bit of stuff, when I have time, I think a lot. I think about myself, I think about the future, I think about my friends.
I realised I am really a very jealous kid. As much as I believe that my friends will do fine and make a lot of new friends after we go our separate ways, I wished that they wont do so well in future just so that they wont forget me. (yeah, I'm freaking selfish) Lol then I think again. Why am I so selfish? And I realise that I'm super insecure. Like there's no joke about it. I'm like sooooo insecure. I can't stand having people doing better than me just because of the fear thar they might outshine me. I worried that one day I will be forgotten. I worry about the problems that may not even exist. And I dont't trust myself enough. I dont trust myself enough to believe that I will not do what is wrong in future. IDKKKK. I'm a really weird kid.
And then on relationship wise. I just have this feeling that I'll be alone forever LOL because I know, I know what I want, I know what exactly I want, I know it so well that I dont want anything else other than what I expect. I dont want anything less. And I have lost faith in people so much so that I do not even want to be in contact with anybody. Yet at the same time, I feel loneliness.
Urghhh I have so much thoughts in my head sometimes I think that these thoughts will one day kill me LOL maybe I'm just scaring myself but yeah. It's scary.
Regarding the future, I fear. I fear that I will grow to become someone I will not be proud of. You know like what if in future I smoke and drink and gamble. That's very baddddd. What if I grow up to become a person I myself dislike?? What if I become a nobody? Someone with no dreams, no hopes, no goals?? That will be scaryy. Sigh Thats whyyyyy Idk why but I have so much fears. Meow :C