Friday, January 17, 2014

I hate the feeling when I am with a group of people are together and I feel invisible. That feeling sucks. I don't even know why I even feel that why. Sometimes it feels as though I am talking to this person but he/she is not even listening. Idk why. It's like we are talking but none of us is listening. Feels like everybody is just trying so hard to express ourselves, to the extend that we neglect the people around us. Even if they are important people to us. Sometimes I feel that i don't even understand my closest friends. I don't get certain things, i don't get why they react in a certain manner to certain things and I just don't seem to get them. At least not all the time. A friend once said that I''m the stupid kind of person amongst my friends, cause I don't try to understand my friends and am often the happy-go-lucky kind of person which isn't quite the characteristic I want myself to have. I mean being lucky is good, but living by luck is bad. I don't want it to be that I do everything base on my luck and one day run out of luck and everything topples. Also, it's annoying how I try to understand but it's not always up to me.. Unlike academics, unlike math or language, it's not like I want to do it, I'll be able to do it you know? I can practice if i want to do well for math. I can read, write listen to the language to learn it well. But what can I do to maintain a friendship? I can't possibly go like "Hey, tell me everything." I'll only pull off to be a creepy asshole. I try as much as possible not to be a control freak, I try as much as possible to let things go with the flow and the flow is just that I don't get so close to these friends. I mean I tried and I'm just not getting it so just forget about it? Focus my energy on other stuff? I'm tired of always being the last to know certain things, I'm tired of only being called out when people need something from me, I'm really tired. I'm just gonna deal with it. Deal with being always alone, deal with always being boring.

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