Saturday, April 12, 2014
So many days have passed. So many things have happened. It's almost the direct opposite of what it was like a month ago. Everything has changed. I'm confused with what I want. I don't always know what I want. I don't how to tell you how I feel. I don't seem to be able to open up to anybody even people closest to me. I am so used to blocking people out of my life, keeping a safe distance from everyone that I forgot to show you that you are actually different. And because of that you think I don't care. Look. I'm a perfectionist. I cannot tolerate any imperfection in a relationship or a friendship. I cannot stand having someone lie to me, I cannot accept how I am always the last to know about things people have planned or little secrets that everybody seem to have already known for a long long time. I no longer know who to trust. I'm skeptical about the type of friends I have. More paranoid than ever. I'm insecure and you know it. But you choose to tell me you will care less so as to prevent yourself from hurting. Isn't it ironic? How you said it's the process that matter. And I'm left to find out that you are actually just as selfish as I am. My life is such a joke. A joke that's not that funny actually. It's so contradicting and I'm just an insignificant piece of chess on the chess board. I don't know what to do and I don't know who to trust or who to rely on.